Bitterness

What Is Bitterness? 

Bitterness has numerous definitions and meaning depending on the purpose for which you are using the word.

Longman Dictionary defines it as being angry, unhappy or being upset. It also means a strong taste that is not sweet,Sharpness of taste; lack of sweetness, and many other definitions.

But the bitterness I’m writing about is being unnecessarily angry or being upset. This better may be as a result of an unpleasant incident that happens to one. Bitterness is usually associated with anger, grudges and inner pains. What are the main causes of this bitterness? See bellow.

CAUSES OF BITTERNESS

Bitterness, as I’ve said above has many causes but I will just write about few in this article:

Bitterness can stem from a wide range of events in one's life. It could come from a failed marriage, being a victim of abuse, being laid off or fired, or parenting a disabled child. Whatever the reason may be, you could be left with feelings of bitterness. If that bitterness is left unresolved, you will begin to see the negative affects not only on your physical health, but your entire life. Therapy is a wonderful tool to help someone overcome feelings of failure and bitterness. It will require hard work and an honest assessment of one's self, but you can conquer those emotions. Beat it before it beats you! Other causes are:

Misunderstanding:  Often we jump to conclusions without having all the facts.

Difference of Opinion:  Instead of thinking of truth as a diamond, with many facets, we feel that our way is the only right way.

Taking Offence:  Our ego takes a bruising and we get our feelings hurt.  We take offence even when no offence was meant.

Temporary Bonds of Brotherhood:  We form alliances which we think are forever and when they aren’t, it can lead to bitterness.  This can happen when family members betray you; or when gangs feel they have to defend their turf.

Holding onto Imitation and Ancestral Beliefs:  You see this in parts of the world that have been feuding for generations.  The original problems are long forgotten, but the bitterness continues down through the generations, and you follow suit without thinking, because your family has always held that particular prejudice.

There are many other causes but just to mention few. Then I go to the effects of Bitterness:

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EFFECTS OF BITTERNESS

There are effects to holding onto bitterness. Bitter people are hurting their offenders to pay them back, but a tragic irony occurs. By taking vengeance, they hurt themselves worse than they hurt their offenders. Even worse, they injure themselves worse than their offenders injured them originally.

As one observer put it, “Harboring bitterness is like shooting yourself to hit your offender with the recoil of the gun!” Another man said, “Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Consider the consequences of usurping God’s prerogative.

Health Effect:

The mind and body connection is very real and very powerful. Our emotions affect our bodies and can cause many physical health problems. Perhaps it’s not surprising that new research from Concordia University suggests that feelings of bitterness can have a negative impact on a person's physical health.

Researchers took note of the connection between failure and bitterness. According to psychologist Dr. Carsten Wrosch, "Persistent bitterness may result in global feelings of anger and hostility that, when strong enough, could affect a person’s physical health. When harbored for a long time bitterness may forecast patterns of biological dysregulation (a physiological impairment that can affect metabolism, immune response or organ function) and physical disease."

The Emotional Effect:

Bitterness will poison your emotional life. There seems to be a connection between bitterness and depression. Many embittered people complain of chronic, unexplained depression. They don’t seem to have the emotional resilience to circumstantial adversity they once had. God evidently designed us to have an emotional reserve that acts as a buffer to adverse circumstances. We fill this emotional reserve primarily by cultivating thankfulness toward God and by practicing love toward others. Cultivating and maintaining bitterness, by contrast, takes up much emotional energy and therefore places a real drain on our emotional reserves. Consequently, bitter people often find themselves easily depressed.

(This is not to suggest that bitterness is the only cause of depression. There are many other causes, including chemical imbalance. Those who experience chronic or severe depression should seek professional help to discover the cause(s) of their depression.

The Relational Effect:

When we become bitter towards another person, we usually think our bitterness will negatively affect only that relationship. We think we can tolerate this sin in our lives and yet isolate its destructive effects. But harboring bitterness will greatly impede our ability to develop any healthy relationships.

Some people seem to have a floating bitterness. Their real bitterness may, for example, be rooted in their attitude toward parents who repeatedly humiliated them. They may live a thousand miles away from their parents. Yet they flare up with anger when anyone embarrasses them. This can hurt their ability to sustain close friendships because embarrassment is inevitable in this context.

Long-term bitterness has a way of poisoning your personality with negativity. Embittered people tend to become cynical and full of self-pity. Over time, these attitudes can even affect the way people speak and carry themselves. They develop an angry tone of voice, or a nasty facial expression, or even a hostile bodily posture. Most of us have known people whose whole being communicates that they are deeply angry people. Tragically, such people tend to repel others, and then become more embittered against people for rejecting them.

Complaints:

Most bitter people complain that their offenders have used their power to wrongly hurt or control their lives. In most cases, this is the truth. The sexual offender, the domineering parent, the abusive spouse have all used their position of authority or trust to take advantage of their victims.

The more immersed we become in rehearsing their offense and expressing our revenge, the more we allow them to dominate our lives. This is why bitter people often become like their offenders in certain key ways. We werevictimized by their controlling behavior. But then we become excessively controlling in our relationships with others. In a mysterious ways, bitterness reduces us to the level of the people we hate. In usurping God’s role to judge our offenders, we become like the very people we judge.

The Spiritual Consequences:

The most precious privilege of the Christian life is enjoying relational closeness with a forgiving God. While bitterness will not cause God to reject us, it will eventually rob us of the ability to enjoy our relationship with him. Consider John’s warning in 1 John 2:9-11.

“Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him (NIV).”

Bitterness produces spiritual blindness because it is so profoundly hypocritical. Christians are the recipients of an incredible forgiveness. We are guilty before a holy God who has just cause to reject us and condemn us forever. Like the man in Jesus’ parable, we expect to make others pay their debts to us while we have our own, greater debt forgiven. We insist on the right to take vengeance on our offenders, we want to enjoy the benefits of being forgiven by God. This double-mindedness is extreme.

If we choose to retain our right to hate others, we forfeit the privilege of experiencing God’s mercy and goodness. When we server this crucial linkage between receiving God’s forgiveness and extending it to others, we become spiritually paralyzed. Our Christian lives will shrivel away from what they once were when we allowed the wonder of God’s mercy with us to spill onto others.

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Symptoms of Bitterness

The followings are some of the symptoms of bitterness. When you observe any of these, bitterness is not far from you:

1. You Talk Bad About People.

When you find yourself constantly saying something derogatory about someone else, pay attention to what’s happening! What you’re saying about that person is a tell-tale sign that bitterness is trying to take root in your heart.

For example, when you can’t be happy for someone who is celebrating something important to them, consider yourself bitter. It doesn’t matter what it is - a new baby, completing a college program, losing weight. If someone tells you about it and you have thoughts like, “I feel bad for their kids,” “Took him long enough” or “Let’s see how long that lasts” then you are as bitter as a granny smith apple.

2. You constantly compare yourself to others and even get jealous.

Thoughts like, “No one does that for me,” “She gets all the luck” or “It’s me against the world” are the thoughts of someone who is battling with their own sense of self-worth.

3. You are apathetic and avoid people.

You find yourself enjoying people’s company less and less. When you start turning down invites to hang out with friends and family, avoid any real connections, and communicate less with others, there’s something you are harboring. You have a “Who cares?” or “What’s the point?” attitude.

4. You take things personally that may not even be about you.

Instead of asking questions to clarify, you make assumptions that the person is purposefully pushing your buttons or has it out for you. Not everything is about you. Maybe the person is having a bad day or has a lot on their mind.

5. You complain A LOT, sometimes about the same things, and you overgeneralize negative experiences.

When someone disrespects you, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth, a bitterness that stays with you. After that happens, it’s difficult to see others in a positive way, so the negative experiences pile up until that’s all you see. Sometimes you talk about the same bad experiences over and over again, like you are still holding on to that feeling for dear life.

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Overcoming Bitterness

So what can you do if you are stuck in the bitterness trench and can’t climb out? Here are some ways to start dealing with your resentment.

1. Do a serious re-evaluation.

Bitterness thrives on sympathy – and often, in telling our story to others, we stop telling the truth to ourselves about what really happened and what is truly upsetting us.

Ask yourself good questions to dig deeper into facts and feelings. Journaling can be a great tool here.

What about the situation really upsets you when you go through it? What are the details that actually haunt you, versus what you tell your friends bothers you because they all agree it should?

Re-evaluate the thing that was actually lost, too.Do you still want it? Is it still attainable? Or is it all something you really have long since outgrown?

You’d be surprised how many people hold a grudge over the loss of something they discover they no longer even want.

2. Put your story on hold.

As for that story about what happened to you – what would happen if, just or a week, or even a few days, you take a break from telling it?

Telling the story of what happened to you to those whose job it is to help you, or because you are trying to find new and positive ways to deal with your situation, is one thing. But telling the story of what happened to you again and again in a negative way to everyone you meet is often a form of keeping yourself stuck in victimhood.

It might be harder than you think to not mention what happened to you at all for some time, but give it a try. Enlist friends to keep you on track, or try putting a rubber band around your wrist and ‘pinging’ it just enough to cause you a sting each time you find yourself telling your story again. This is thought to train the brain away from entrenched patterns.

3. Stop spying.

Unfortunately, today’s technology and social media provides the perfect fodder for bitterness if there are other people involved. Spying on the person who triggered your upset is really a form of self-torture that involves comparing yourself to others unfavorably, and inevitably it lowers self-esteem.

Spying on others can also be addictive. If you can’t stop spying, you might need support. Tell a good friend, seek a support group (if it’s an ex you are spying on, a love and romance addiction group could help, for example). If you feel out of control, you might want to talk to your GP who can refer you to a counselor or for a round of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

4. Face up to your hidden fears.

Bitterness often is a perfect disguise for a fear of change or of failing.  If you deal with the fear, you won’t need the bitterness anymore.

For example, if you are claiming you will never do the PhD you dreamed of because you were scammed out of all your savings, you might discover that actually, you are terrified you aren’t smart enough to finish the PhD. Is it possible you are holding on to your bitterness about money when you could work on your confidence, take a student loan, and get on with your dreams?

5. Forgive and Forget – but only at your own pace.

Forgiveness is a great psychological release – but only if you are ready and it’s real.

Fake forgiveness can be a way of just denying how you feel, or even hold you back from processing emotions and situations.

Get rid of the believe that you can forgive but never forget. I partially agree with that but though, we all have memory and only when you lost your memory that you forget the past. But you will be able to forgive, forget and get rid of your bitterness only when you don’t allow the memory of the incident to hurt you.

6. And don’t forget to forgive yourself, too.

This might be the hardest but most important part of moving on from bitterness.

It’s possible to hold on to bitterness for a long time so you can focus your anger on someone else, because the truth is you furious at yourself, and that feels too hard to face.

Finding ways to reframe what happened in ways that show yourself compassion can be a great release.

If you feel overwhelmed at this thought, again, don’t be afraid to seek support. Bitterness is a hard thing for anyone to get over, and sometimes the strongest thing you can do is admit you need help.

Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment in the comment section if this article has blessed you.

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